


I Can't Do This On My Own

by Hedatry



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Confessions, Drama, Explicit Language, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jealousy, M/M, Original Character(s), Sorry Not Sorry, Teen Angst, Teenagers, Trauma, i'm a sucker for them y'all, jealous killua, like seriously get a grip, nothing bad with the age up it's just easier to write teenagers, poor killua doesn't know how to handle his feelings, small argument, they never left each other, they're like 16 years old, we love him regardless though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:01:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27281608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hedatry/pseuds/Hedatry
Summary: Killua is fine until someone else comes into the picture.Once someone else can take his place, that's when he breaks.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 8
Kudos: 117





	I Can't Do This On My Own

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I may be writing this at 4:30 A.M. instead of studying for my AP Bio exam... Whoops. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! c:

_I don't want to be alone again._

-

The birds twittered in the rich forest of Whale Island. The wind that blew through the island calmed the humidity as the sun lowered into the horizon.

Killua sits alone on a tree branch staring at the water below. The calming rush of the stream wasn't quite enough to ease his active mind as endless thoughts ran through his head. Killua huffed in annoyance as he looked around him for Gon.

They had decided to come back to Gon's childhood home to visit Aunt Mito after traveling for a while. Killua thought that he would get Gon to himself like always, but it turned out that wasn't the case. Killua jumped down to the ground from the spot he was perched and made his way to the city of Whale Island. The crunching of leaves slowly turned into the tapping of shoes on asphalt as he neared the small-town shops.

The town was buzzing with life; people shopped, outside vendors called out advertisements, kids ran around chasing each other, and friends talked among themselves. Killua slowly grew impatient while looking for Gon, so he slumped down the nearby animal shelter wall. He waited there, looking around at the happy people of the town.

Killua was especially drawn to the young boy and his father across the road from him, looking at swords through a shop window. Killua narrowed his eyes at the older man as he lifted his hand, surprised to see the father playfully clap his kid on the back. Killua felt his stomach drop as the pair walked away from his line of sight. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to clear his mind of his own father. Killua got up and decided to continue looking for his best friend.

As Killua was on his second loop around the stores, he spotted Gon's light green clothes and spiky hair. He smiled to himself as he made his way towards the young hunter. What he wasn't expecting was to see him talking to another boy their age, bright eyes scrunched with laughter. Killua's head grew hot as resentment washed over him. He jogged his way over to the pair in an attempt to get Gon's attention. It worked, seeming as the hazel-eyed boy turned and excitedly waved for Killua to come over.

"Killua!" Gon shouted with excitement.

"Hey," Killua spoke nonchalantly, "who's this?"

"This is-"

"Akane Nakamura," the red-haired teenager interrupted Gon.

"I met him just outside the shop!" Gon pointed up to the sign of the candy store, "Oh, right! I got these for you, Killua!"

Gon handed Killua the bag that he held in his hands with a smile. Killua took it hesitantly, looking at the contents inside. At the bottom of the bag lay Killua's favorite candy: Chocorobos. Killua's eyes widened, and he forced his eyes to the ground as his face flushed red.

"Th-thanks... Idiot," He muttered.

Gon only laughed at his friend's antics and looked to Killua's left, where Akane stood.

"Say, Akane," Gon caught the ginger's attention, "D'you wanna come with us back to the house? My aunt is making extra food, so an extra person wouldn't be an issue!"

Before Killua could object, Akane spoke eagerly.

"Sure thing. You sure your friend doesn't mind?" Akane nodded his head toward Killua, who had a scowl on his face.

"It shouldn't be an issue, right, Killua?" Gon asked his partner.

"I... suppose not," Killua sighed, not wanting to dampen the other boy's mood. Gon beamed at him, and Killua couldn't help but surrender an affectionate smile back at him.

It wasn't a secret that Killua admired his friend. But that was all it was to him. _Admiration_. Killua admired the way Gon fought beside him. The way Gon would protect his friends, even if it costed his life. He admired Gon's passion. He also admired the way Gon would pay attention to Killua and only Killua, which is why the white-haired teenager was in such a foul mood.

Killua lingered behind the two boys in front of him, not wanting anything to do with Akane. All he did was grip the bag that Gon had handed him and stare at his feet the whole walk home.

As they approached the house's front door, each of the boys slipped off their shoes by the doormat. Killua and Gon's shoes were covered in dirt, while Akane's shoes appeared reasonably clean. The scent of home-made food welcomed Killua, and it helped him release some of the tension that tugged at his shoulders. Alluka ran up to Killua and jumped into his arms as soon as he shut the door behind him.

"Big brother!" The smaller girl cheered while wrapping her arms around Killua.

"Hi, Alluka," the former-assassin smiled at his younger sister as he pat the top of her head.

"Is something the matter, brother?" Alluka asked as she pulled away.

Killua glanced down the hall, where Gon was introducing Akane to Aunt Mito and Abe. "Nothing in particular."

Alluka looked at him with concern written on her face but decided to leave the topic alone. The Zoldyck siblings walked into the kitchen, where the food Aunt Mito made was displayed across the table.

"Come sit down, you two," Mito spoke softly with a smile.

Killua returned a genuine smile to the woman.

Aunt Mito was the only parental figure that he and Alluka could look up to. Their whole life, they were overwhelmed with abuse from their parents. It took the siblings a while to warm up to her, but Mito was patient the entire way.

As everyone ate and talked, Killua stayed quiet. He pushed the food around his plate with his fork, not feeling hungry in the slightest. This action was met by an elbow to the rib, and an "Eat your food, brother!" from Alluka.

Killua sighed as he looked up at Gon and Akane. They were talking about the ranch Akane's father owned. The only thing that Killua paid attention to was how interested Gon looked listening to the redhead. Something turned in Killua's gut, and he started to become agitated.

"Wow, that's so cool! So your family has been doing this for how many years?" Gon's eyes were bright and curious as he asked Akane questions.

"50, I think." Akane began, "I'm not all that thrilled about the future of it, though. My father is nagging to me about becoming the owner of it when I get older."

"Must be so hard," Killua scoffed at his statement.

"Excuse me?" Akane looked at Killua in shock.

"I said it must be so hard," Killua spoke slower, mocking the other teen. "Having a father who wants you to take care of the family business, I get it."

"There's no way, man. How could you possibly-"

Gon nudged Akane's shoulder with his free hand, practically pleading for him not to finish his sentence.

"How could I understand?" Killua huffed a strangled laugh. "Oh, I understand more than you could ever know."

Akane furrowed his brows and leaned towards Killua. "What the hell is your problem, man? How could you understand more than me? Do you know how hard it is, all the stress?"

Alluka flinched at his words. She went to grab Killua's arm in an attempt to stop him from lashing out, but she was too late.

"Do I know how hard it is?" Killua stood up to face the bothersome guest. "I think I might have an idea."

"Yeah, and what's that?"

"Well, let me think!" The white-haired boy stepped around Alluka's chair to get into Akane's space. "Maybe being chained up every day and beat with a whip might give me an idea. Oh, or being forced to drink poison!"

Akane stepped back, slouching with guilt. "Wait, dude, I-"

"No, let me keep going." Killua's eyes narrowed as he stepped closer, getting into Akane's face. Mito looked frantically between Alluka and Gon, and they gave her the same expression back.

"Do you know how it feels being electrocuted every morning? There's also being mind-controlled by your older brother who stuck a needle in your head. Oh, I know a good one; how's being punished for showing any emotion? Kicked in the gut, ribs, back, or essentially anywhere? How's seeing your little sister..." Killua paused as he swallowed down a sob, "Seeing your sister locked away in the damn basement because she's _different_ , and not being able to help her!"

Killua stepped back out of Akane's face as tears threatened to come out of his eyes. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to force them back. Alluka came up to his side and grabbed his arm, pulling him out of the kitchen.

"Excuse us," She spoke somberly.

The kitchen was quiet, besides the sob that echoed from down the hallway that escaped Killua's throat.

"Dammit, dammit!" Killua scorned himself as he pushed on his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from falling down his face.

"Brother, it's okay," Alluka soothed as her throat tightened. "It's okay to cry."

Alluka and Killua sat on the floor outside the bedroom doors. Killua forced his head in between his knees in shame.

"Why..." Killua shook, "Why did I do that? He didn't do anything. I ruined everyone's day."

"No, you didn't," Alluka brushed her hand up and down her brother's back. It hurt to see him like this, a mess in the shell of a teenage boy.

She only knows a little bit of what Killua went through when they lived with their family. She knows that they put him through 'assassin training,' as Killua calls it. In reality, the 'assassin training was torture. She knows that he carried the burden of being the only one who could understand her. 

Alluka's thoughts were interrupted by the opening and closing of the front door, and Killua stiffened. Steps approached the hall that Alluka and Killua sat, and Killua moved closer to his sister's side. The shadow of Gon finally came around the corner, and Alluka made eye contact with him. She sat up to kiss the top of her brother's head and left the hallway without a word. Gon walked over to where Killua sat, and Killua kept his head placed between his knees.

"C'mon, Killua," Gon gently tugged on his friend's left arm. Killua let Gon lift him to a standing position and lead him to their shared room. When Killua reached the bed, he sat down with his bangs covering his eyes. Gon left the room for a second, and Killua used the opportunity to force himself under his bedsheets. Gon came back into the room, carrying the bag from the candy shop, and placed it on the nightstand next to Killua's bed. Killua stayed facing away from his friend out of humiliation. Gon sat on the edge of the bed and picked at the sheets.

"D'you wanna tell me what happened?" Gon asked his friend.

Killua shook his head and closed his eyes tight, wishing Gon would _leave him alone_.

"You sure?" Gon pressed the issue, and Killua huffed.

"Yes, Gon, I'm sure," Killua croaked, "I don't want to talk about what happened. You watched, it's over with, you can drop it."

"It's clearly upsetting you,"

"It doesn't matter, leave it alone,"

"Killua, I just want to understand,"

"There's nothing to understand, Gon!" Killua snapped at his best friend, "I don't know why I got mad, okay?"

"Yes, you do,"

"No, I don't!"

"Yes, you-"

"Goddamn it, would you just drop it already?" Killua finally made eye contact with Gon, and he felt sick.

"No, Killua, I won't. I want to understand, and you're not letting me," Gon kept his voice level.

Killua scoffed and looked away from his friend.

"I won't understand if you don't explain to me what's going on in your head. That wasn't just an accident. You were genuinely hurt, Killua," Gon spoke softly to the white-haired teenager, afraid to mess up what they had even more.

"I don't know," Killua's tears made an effort to come back as his voice broke, "I don't know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruined everyone's day. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm-"

"Killua," Gon lightly grabbed Killua's face to quiet him, "it's okay. You didn't ruin anyone's day."

"I ruined yours. You just wanted to..." Killua's voice trailed off.

"I wanted to what, Killua?"

"You just wanted to have Mito meet your new friend,"

_So you can leave me behind._

"So what if I did? How is that a problem?"

"It isn't,"

_Yes, it is._

Gon threw his head back in frustration. "I can't read your mind, Killua, just tell me-"

"I was fucking jealous, okay?" Killua cried out, "I thought you were going to leave me for him. You guys seemed to get along so well, and you were extremely interested in whatever he said! You're going to leave me, and I'm going to be alone again!"

_I don't want to be alone again. Please don't leave me alone again._

Gon's heart shattered as he looked at the boy in front of him. Killua's eyes were filled with genuine fear as he finally snapped. Killua shielded his eyes with his hands in an attempt to cover his face from Gon.

"Killua," Gon worded breathlessly, "I would never leave you."

"Why not?" Killua's eyes stayed glued to the sheets that covered his legs.

"Because! You're my best friend!"

Killua sneered at that sentence.

"What, Killua? Why is that so funny to you?"

"Maybe I don't want to be your best friend!"

_Fuck._

"What? What are you talking about?" Gon recoiled with hurt written on his face.

"It's nothing, forget it. Please forget it."

Killua heard a sob. He looked up at Gon, who looked fine, besides the concern printed on his face.

"Killua... Why are you crying?"

_Am I crying?_

_I am._

Killua didn't move. He stayed looking Gon in the eyes, too tired to fight him anymore. Gon moved closer to Killua and attempted to wipe the tears off of his face. Killua leaned into Gon's hand as he closed his eyes. Gon felt how Killua sank into his hand and gently pulled the other teenager to his chest. He tenderly brushed his fingers through Killua's hair as they sat in the dark.

Killua looked up at Gon after a good 10 minutes had passed of Gon running his hands through Killua's hair. Killua sat up quietly, and Gon let him. Killua brought himself close to Gon as both of them sat cross-legged on the bed facing each other. Killua's warm breath fanned over Gon's face. Gon hummed as Killua brought his hand up to trace his companion's features.

" 'Y beautiful," Killua whispered, his eyes half-lidded.

Gon blushed and attempted to look away, but Killua kept his head in place. They kept their eyes locked for what felt like an eternity. Killua's heart pounded in his head.

"Can I... Can I kiss you?" Killua asked the boy in front of him, timidly.

Gon nodded, and Killua took this signal to caress the left side of Gon's face. They both leaned into each other, and their lips connected in the middle.

It was a messy kiss, in all honesty. Their noses bumped together, and neither of them truly knew what they were doing.

What they did know was that they had both been waiting for this for such a long time.

They parted for a moment to breathe, and Killua whimpered at the loss of contact. Gon pulled him closer this time, and warm, chapped lips connected with Killua's once again. Gon put his hand in Killua's hair, and Killua melted into the touch.

Killua was the one to pull back from Gon, and he put their foreheads together to keep close contact.

"You know I love you, right?" Gon murmured.

Killua tensed slightly at the confession. He smiled and pulled back so he could look Gon in the eyes.

"Yeah, I know."

_I hope you know that I love you too._

**Author's Note:**

> It is now 8:00 A.M., and I just finished this. 
> 
> How to write kiss scenes? Huh???
> 
> Before you ask, I definitely am extremely touch starved, so just take this I don't know how affection works.
> 
> Check me out on Instagram @Ophrvc if you'd like! I make edits and sometimes post art on my story!


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